


I Wonder What It’s Like To Be Loved By You

by sandean_cas



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Diary/Journal, F/M, Falling In Love, Feels, Heartache, Heartbreak, I Ship It, I wonder what it's like to be loved by you, Inspired by a Shawn Mendes Song, Love, Pining, Secret Crush, Song: Wonder (Shawn Mendes), True Love, Unrequited Love, Very Secret Diary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:06:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27609421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandean_cas/pseuds/sandean_cas
Summary: ‘I love you,’ and I wish I could breathe those words to life.The way we met was unorthodox and atypical. I knew your favorite emojis and your fears before I ever saw your face. I knew you by a pseudonym before I ever tasted your name in my mouth.I can’t get over you. I don’t think I even want to.You’re it for me.And I’m sure I can find the words to tell you exactly that… if I wasn’t so sure that you don’t feel the same way.Who knew love could hurt so much. Certainly not me.As I stand here, looking into your soulful eyes, I find myself drowning in unreciprocated emotion once more.I know you’re trying to find someone. Someone to spend your life with. Someone to understand and love you. And more than anything, I want to open my mouth and tell you that I can be her. That if you just give me a chance, I can be her. But the doubts keep those word at bay. It’s probably for the best.Still, I wonder...I wonder what it’s like to be loved by you....Based on 'Wonder' by Shawn Mendes and my life
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Male Character
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	I Wonder What It’s Like To Be Loved By You

**Author's Note:**

> Come one come all... to see this 'heartache on the big screen'

I look into your eyes and see their flecks of colour, the normally hazel orbs that look more like honey or amber than eyes in the sunlight. The way the light glints off your blonde hair, that you always keep slicked back with not too much hairspray. Your figure, which I know you’re only growing to love the way I love it. The way I love every last inch of you.

‘I love you,’ and I wish I could breathe those words to life.

The way we met was unorthodox and atypical. I knew your favorite emojis and your fears before I ever saw your face. I knew you by a pseudonym before I ever tasted your name in my mouth.

Modern romance they say. Beginning with the touch of a button and ending  _ without _ that touch.

But from the moment we started talking, it was like I came shuddering to life. It was akin to crawling out of a shell after years of darkness, only for the sun to smile graciously on you. 

From our very first interaction - timid on my part - I could tell that you were special. Your enthusiasm was contagious. You were so eager and true and bright that I almost couldn’t believe my luck. And to think I doubted sending you that first message…

It wasn’t a slow descent. It was a jarring, sudden fall… akin to dropping off the edge of a cliff and falling into an endless abyss. Because that’s what it feels like. I’m falling. It’s exhilarating and I never want it to stop.

The force with which I fell for you shocked me. That’s never happened before… not so dramatically.

However, I’m positive you don’t know the extent of my feelings and for that I’m immensely thankful. And envious. Envious that I’m the only one feeling this way. Envious that I’m the only one who’s out of control.

Just a simple message from you would light up my day. I think I responded to you faster than the speed of sound. Talking to you, even about the silliest things was simply intoxicating. It was a heady rush that I couldn’t imagine giving up.

Until I realised.

Until you grew bored of me.

Or maybe life just got in the way. Either way I’d never ask, because I’m not one to wear my heart on my sleeve.

Even as the long days passed, I didn’t stop thinking of you. I couldn’t. The one who made me feel alive… of course I couldn’t forget you.

And then the pain came. Now  _ that _ started slowly. Little tendrils of doubt, creeping into my happiness. Reminding me that this is the real world, reminding me just how out of your league I am. It’s a miracle that you even responded to me that day…

But I guess the wonder on your side has faded. Because we hardly ever interact and when we do it feels strained. Like I’m a burden. An inconvenience. 

You have no idea how much that  _ hurts. _ The pain is distinct and seemingly never ending. I want to scream at you. I want to beg you to come back, to listen. But I’m too proud for that. Too scared that you’ll brush it off as just teenage puppy love.

You’re older and I get that.

Sometimes I wonder if you felt the spark I felt, or if I just deluded myself into thinking that you enjoyed my company as much as I did yours.

As time passes, the despair turns into anguish.

Every time I see your name in my message list, every time I think of something we talked about… it just reminds me that you don’t care. Not that I can blame you. I realise I’m a hard person to love. Coarse and sometimes verbose. But I tried with you, I did.

Sometimes I think of your last message… the little ‘read’ mark next to it and wonder if I should send another. Whether I just annoy you now.

That toxic thought snips any desire I have to reach out to you.

But it doesn't stop the hurt.

I can’t get over you. I don’t think I even want to.

You’re it for me.

And I’m sure I can find the words to tell you exactly that… if I wasn’t so sure that you don’t feel the same way.

Who knew love could hurt so much. Certainly not me.

As I stand here, looking into your soulful eyes, I find myself drowning in unreciprocated emotion once more.

I know you’re trying to find someone. Someone to spend your life with. Someone to understand and love you. And more than anything, I want to open my mouth and tell you that I can be her. That if you just give me a chance, I can be  _ her _ . But the doubts keep those word at bay. It’s probably for the best.

Despite the pain that loving you brings, despite the constant ache in my heart and the sinking feeling that I’m losing you. I can’t stop.

Loving you is life changing.

Loving you is intoxicating.

Loving you is heartbreaking.

Loving you is precious. 

Loving you is easy.

Simply loving you is enough.

I can take the pain and the heartache, as long as I know you’re there.

So I look into your eyes and give you my sweetest smile, wishing you luck and knowing that we won’t talk for a while.

Your love is something I know I can’t have.

But loving you... is the  _ only _ thing I have.

And in the moments before I drift off to sleep and in the wee hours of the morning as I wake up, knowing that you’re carrying on with your life, I let myself hope. I let myself _ dream _ . I let myself wonder, under the full moon or the pale morning light; and it stokes the fire within me even as it makes me quail…

I can’t help but wonder… it’s almost too shameful to say.

I wonder what it’s like to be loved by you.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm thinking about expanding on this in the future...


End file.
